Curse of the Hair
by iNatix
Summary: Edward has found a new way to seem taller...   CRACK FIC


Edward Elric swung the front gates of Eastern Command open and strutted forward, head held high and an everlasting smirk on his face. His brother, Alphonse Elric, was right behind him, his armor shoulders down and his head shaking in disappointment. Ed had found a new way to seem taller.

"Major Elric, sir!" One of the guards said, not looking down the stairs at said major but at his fellow guard's face. The other guard was holding his hand at his chest in mid salute, apparently he was too distracted to finish it. The second guard's face was fixed upon Ed, mouth almost reaching his feet and eyes almost out of their sockets. Guard one followed his line of vision, and seeing what he was looking at, started gawking too.

"At ease, gentlemen," Ed said suavely, flicking his head. He then opened the doors of the building, making the secretaries gawk too. Ed made his way to Colonel Mustang's office, flashing everyone who looked at him a winning smile and _winked_. Considering Ed never winked at anyone in his life, this gave them even more reason to be bewildered.

Making his way to the Colonel's large oak door, Ed flung it open and stepped in, hands on his hips and the most impressive smile he could muster up on his face. "Hello, everyone. Notice anything new?"

At this, everyone turned from their paperwork to face the undertall teen. Fuery fainted. Breda bowled over. Havoc howled. Falman froze. And First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye just stood and pointed, mouth wide open. "Wh-wh- what the HECK did you do!"

Hearing the yell, Colonel Mustang jumped out of his office, hands poised to snap. As he looked around the room, the first thing he noticed was his subordinates, all looking in one direction with the same look on each face. He looked in the area they gaped at and he yelled. The birds around the building flew off and all the officers in the building looked up, wondering what noise could have broken through the supposedly soundproof walls. "Fu-Fu- Fu-Fullmetal, what is that _thing_ on your head?" He said surprisingly calm despites his yell.

"Well, my dear Colonel, I was tired of being called short all the time, so I finally found a way to look taller. I decided that as nice as it was, my antennae just wasn't big enough. So instead, I took my hair out of its braid and did _this_." Ed pointed to the top of his head.

Reaching out a foot above Ed's head was a thick, golden, _Mohawk_. Right then, Fuery woke up looked at Ed. After gawking for another minute, Roy shook his head and spoke in a commanding and scary calm voice that didn't disrupt the daze everyone else was in. "Fullmetal," he started, inching ever closer to the chibi. "You do know we have to rid you of that thing on your head, right?" At this, Al grabbed Ed from behind and all of Roy's crew started stalking ever so slowly towards the midget, all suddenly having various sharp items in hand. Roy raised his glove.

"Wait," Ed said, the whole while having the entire office slink up to him. "You aren't really going to do this right? Colonel? Lieutenant? AL?"

"It's for the best, Brother," Al said quietly, tightening his hold on the shrimp. Suddenly, the crew pounced on the compact boy, all rolling around and chopping at his hair as much as they could. Explosions went off on the stunted teens noggin now and again, making a cloud of smoke around the group. Ten minutes later, Roy and his crew, plus Al, stepped out, staring at who was left in the cloud with manic grins on their faces. The door opened right then, showing a sergeant there to deliver papers. "Sir, I have these pap-"he started, but noticing the Flame Colonel and Hawk's Eyes faces, ran off screaming to the nearest therapist. A runty figure hobbled out of the cloud, coughing into his sleeve. He looked into the glass window, seeing a reflection of himself. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What did you people do to my beautiful hair!" he screeched. The group started cackling maniacally.

Sticking out at odd angles of the pipsqueak's head were tufts of golden hair, only fuzz of hair covering the mini scalp. Still cackling, everyone walked back to their desks, Roy throwing his head back and doing his best evil laugh before entering his inner office.

Throughout the generations of all families in the area, horror stories are still told of the runt, the Hawk, the Flame, and the cursed Mohawk.


End file.
